Finally, the cure for aging.

If any of you guys care, I almost killed an old person today. Not that he was going to save the world or something, I’m sure his only future involved pudding, Oprah, and life-support. I just don’t see the point of them being alive, I mean sure they know more than we do but they don’t remember any of it. Hey Gramps do you remember when the Soviets tested the atomic bomb?

Yeah sure, it was 19——–*snore. I think the problem is that they don’t get enough sleep which is why I’ve invented Elderly Speed. Finally you too Matilda can brush your teeth, eat your Oscal and have dependency seizures right in the comfort of your own drug rehabilitation clinic. There's no need to thank me, thank those crazy Colombians. Good job Jose’.

My plan is both feasible and cost effective.